The problem is we think we exist. We think our words are permanent and solid and stamp us forever. That’s not true. We write in the moment. Sometimes when I read poems at a reading to strangers, I realize they think those poems are me. They are not me, even if I speak in the “I” person. They were my thoughts and my hand and the space and the emotions at the time of writing. Watch yourself. Every minute we change. It is a great opportunity. At any point, we can step out of our frozen selves and our ideas and begin fresh. That is how writing is. Instead of freezing us, it frees us.
Natalie Goldburg, Writing Down the Bones, Shambala Publications, Inc.
Now I truly understand what occurred for me this semester especially after sitting down and really working through the areas where I felt blocked. During this time the inner critic was present and endlessly talking.
I was able to observe it and let it be with responding to it, although it was very difficult. It plea’s seemed quite valid!
The other night, before bed, I decided to spend some time on a children’s story, which had been on my mind for quite some time. I felt totally present and embodied. The story began flowing, yet as I approached a juncture in the tale, the fear of failure, the sense of being unskilled and untrained in how to complete the process halted my progress. This voice kept me from completing and in some case even starting the creative or risky projects that were held near and dear to my heart.
All this time I have been beating myself up, without ever giving myself a chance. And yet, I also feel I haven’t been ready psychologically ready, to deal with exposing my family…with . This past January echoed so clearly within me, enhancing my creative process this semester as they reflected the exact images in my dream, aside from what already lives within me. To enter into the creative cauldron is to face, feel and process that which I truly was not ready to deal with. Thank God for the portending of dreams and visions, and the foresight of my advisor.
This projection has moved me throughout my life, and I have sometime unconsciusly and consciuly pursued its remedy. Maybe it is all in my head, and only a decision the needs to be made claiming complete and total surrender, wholeness, letting go of the story. yet, when I move towards the masculine in others, or in myself the story becomes very real. Integrating the masculine with the deep intuitive feminine has seemed impossible for me to sustain in real abundance. I realize I have been attempting to practice that all winter long, albeit creativity at times.
During a visit to a psychic psychiatrist this November, it was revealed that I have a terrific fear of my own creative energy. Confronting the fear of being demolished in the process of creativity is where my real work is.
Now I believe it, having formally stepping into the fire. I believe the events of the semester, the timings of the planets and the writing have enlightened a form of grace, upon me which I feel will continue to unfold.
The data is unedited for now. It is quite personal and basically is a stream of feeling that needed to be released.
I had become so frustrated with feeling little and disempowered that my emotions exploded. I felt stuck, blocked, until finally the flood gates opened. No holds bar. Everything came out and here’s how it went.
Wow, what a fucking trip this whole life experience is! I choose a father how has child molestation issues and I am so angry that I can barely describe the rage I feel. Why wouldn’t I be angry? or have feelings, or need to express my disbelief and utter-shocking amazement that this issue continues to surface. And yes, I am uncomfortable around you. No wonder I choose men who carry the vibration of abuse.
I am free from any responsibility to care for your feelings about this. I spent years in therapy and loads of money, and mustarded up enormous courage to face the disgusting feelings and painful memories of living in the energy of boundary-less sexuality. I am finished with it. The bag is no longer mine to carry, I have done my past, cleansed my palette.
I see now the numerous opportunities I’ve had to chose to undermine my life, my security, my career in the face of shame, rather than stepping up to be my own father self. I was so dismantled and overrun by feelings of responsibility, abandonment, fear of standing up to you that I forfeited my own maturation, my voice and comfortability being myself–fearful of hurting you, your feelings, your fragile self.
I am responsible only for myself in our relationship, and how I express my feelings and how I care for the woman I am. The feeling of being less than, holding my thoughts of frustration, rage and anger back only compress and suppress the real me.
I am truly sorry for the predicament you find yourself in, and I am sorry for the abuse that happened to you, which created this pattern in you. I pray that you find the courage, willingness, and grace to embrace and face the energetic pattern held within the confines of your psyche. I had truly hoped and wished for continued healing and transformation in our relationship. As you know I was completely willing to cultivate that, but the news of your almost arrest shocked, disappointed, and challenged me to question why this keeps coming up in your life.
How is it that one of your daughters, me, confronts, questions, pursues, and demands the truth come forward in our inappropriate relationship? the county school board fires you for having a student-teacher relationship, with a 9th grader! you lose your job–black listed forever and seven years later a child in a daycare center accuses you of molesting him, how is it that none of these events are connected?
My question is why? Why does this keep coming up in you life? What is it asking of you? What does your unconscious need? It must be something or this wouldn’t keep happening. Maybe it is just guilt that needs to be released. even if the accusations are not true, what is it about you that continues to attract these events into your life? What are you denying? What about your history is calling to you?
I refuse to stay small. I refuse to deny how much this jolts my consciousness into action. The taskmaster has come (Saturn) knocking and it is time to answer. I do not hate you. This is the healthiest place I have even been in relationship with you. You have always been afraid of me, afraid of my anger. Why? How can it hurt you?