Creative Matrix & Reclaiming the Intuition

VirgoThe human being is an artist. The ability to stay connected with the creative impulse is in part determined by the life experience of each child as she matures. If a child is supported in her creative expression, she will learn logical, linear thinking through these creative intuitive endeavors. This natural inclination to learn through art is essential to the instruction of human sexuality. It is through the pictures and images that we present to our young girls, our maturing women, that hinder or enhance their self-respect as women ripening.
Tamara Slayton, Reclaiming the Menstrual Matrix

My utmost excitement about attending a liberal arts school, Vermont College, initiated numerous energetic experiences and unconscious layers of my psyche to awaken. I was forty-three years old and had missed out on the experience of attending college, tapping into my creative longings…

As I stepped into the risk of being heard, seen, and potentially criticized for my creative expression, an unmistakable rod of Golden Light appeared before me. It literally illuminated right it front of me. Shortly, I realized this staff came as a harbinger of the Eternal joy and vitality that must have always been contained within me, a God force.

I also associated this creative aliveness with the energy of the ‘Ace of Wands’ card in the Tarot deck. The meaning of the card is Creation, Power, and New Life. More specifically increase, inheritance, birth, adventure, virility, fertility, evolution, and unfolding possibilities [as defined by Robin Wood in the Wood Tarot Deck]. I felt the crystalline energy vibrate in my core, emulating a luminescent essence, attuning me to my true nature, pure creativity.

I have always been a creative person, yet much of my creative explorations were stifled in early adolescence. It seemed, my new endeavors were uncovering a submerged storehouse of creative potentiality. Had this energy been held down within me all these years?

Yes I surely had.  My childhood set that stage, along with many other factors (which I’ll address Chapter…)

Within days of accepting, I had a dream.

Persephone
Spring warms the air. The time is noon.  I venture out the front door of my home. 

I am young.   As young as Persephone.
Bare in feet, the breathe of spring guides me to my place, along the tree just to the left of the house.
From the crevice above, my head, she crawls out.
Her femininity clearly present.
She glides down to greet me.
Agate in color and jasper in pattern.
Her skin matches my dress.
Earthy.
Instinctively, I know we are friends.
Two to three inches in diameter. Five to six feet long.
She is still growing into her-self.

 I walk. She follows.
I sit by the flowing stream. She lies out next to me.
I am unafraid. Completely at one with the energy of creation.

Sacred feminine power fills the air.
My first blood is shed. 

I am young, as young as Venus, and ancient—ancient as wisdom itself.
Young and old, raw and vulnerable.
I am the essence of Virgo, the sacred vestal virgin.
Untested, untapped.

Sexuality, creativity, abundance, comfort, psychic intuition.
Art, beauty, love–all that is bestowed within the Divine Feminine essence exudes

Such an amazing lovely dream, and yet I was concerned I would not meet with the stream-side snake again.  I let go, and asked Spirit to bring forth whatever was meant to be.  Several days later, I meet here again. During a hike with a friend, we stopped to meditate.  We were off the beaten path, laying under some trees.   I lay on my back, my legs and feet up against an enormous tree. As I drifted off, I saw myself in a canoe on the lake behind my house.  For several days I had the nudge to rent a canoe in the early morning, but I never did.  So here I was on the lake, in my mind.  There was no one around.  I felt the sacredness of the quite water.  As I floated, the snake from my dream crawled into the canoe.  I became very excited.  I asked here where she was going, as she crawled into the front of the carriage.  She asked me to follow her.  I asked her where?  She said, “into the unknown”.

Second Dream following night

My roommate tells me there are three baby snakes in the basement.
I go downstairs to see.
In the basement the same patterned snake the size of an anaconda is coming out of the furnace. 
Exterminators are there.
They chop her up into three large pieces.
No blood, just severing.

The first dream was so comforting, I felt safe, connected and trusting of my sensual self, my intuitive nature, my creative power as a woman.  But in the second dream, the snake’s life-force is halted, what happened?

The first dream is very significant as it represents the vulnerability, embodiment and empowerment of a blossoming creative nature, which is intricately linked to sexuality, within a young girl (even though I am forty-three at the time), while the second dream mirrors the killing off of the creative self.

As a young adolescent it was not safe for me to authentically content with the creative life-force.  All creative venues were severed, sealed, and channeled negatively (drugs, alcohol…) The first dream represents stepping into my creative nature, rhythm, voice and power.

Why did I have the second dream?  I had it because I gave my power away.  The feeling of being lit up to consciously embrace the artist within, as the Golden Rod came to me once I was excepted into school, awakened my kundalini root chakra and sent the energy up into my crown, yet I had never learned how to manage the power of the Shakti myself.  How to harness the creative energy and produce something with it, rather than spill it out into sexual expression, which always seemed to get me into trouble.

Two days after I received the news from school, I ran into a man who had been flirting with me for months at church.  We had been talking all summer, and once had plans to go out, but never did.  My consciousness knew we were not compatible, and yet he asked me out that day and I said yes even though my intuitive nature and psychic vision showed me distress and fear.

So the dream shows the cost of choosing to move towards energy which stifles the creative process, the creative life, which links back to my difficult early emerging, and away from authentically integrating the sacred creative self.  Many women who have been abused….have this pattern.

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Three years before this series of dreams, I had an initial set of snake dreams, featuring a vibrant yellow anaconda.  The dream was totally intense.

Vacationing with my extended family of origin, it is lunch time and I decide to walk to the beach.  Just a few blocks from the ocean, I see a tidal wave coming.  I turn around and start running back to the house.  As I run, a cougar steps out behind a parked car.  I dart behind the car, and it chases me around the car three times. Exhausted, I leap up a near by tree.  The courage follows me, turning into a yellow anaconda and bites me deep in thigh.  I’m half-way up the tree.

The following night I dream again.
I am in a large rambler style house.  The bricks are painted cream, and it is daytime.  I’m in the basement with my mother’s best friend.  Symbolically the house is my mother’s, although it’s not reflective of her actual home.  We are in the sun-filled laundry room when Barbara says to me, do you see that snake? It is dead.  I look over and on top of the washing machine is the same massive yellow anaconda, wrapped up in a clear plastic bag.  I said, “Barbara, the snake is not dead!”

At that very instant the snake opened it’s eyes, looks right at me and starts to come out of the bag.  Barbara of course is gone.

I walk out of the laundry room, the snake slitters right beside me.  Our conversation is telepathic.  His tongue expresses desire for friendship.  I don’t believe him.  I can barely look at him.  He is very persistent.  No matter where I go there he is, traversing along.  I walk out the front door and around to the side door, hoping to sneak  away from him, yet his body rides in thin air, and wraps through both entrances….

Dream Analysis
All the dreams are very significant.  The tidal wave represents the enormous unstoppable flood from my past, which I was coming out of, along with the giant opportunity towards the development of my own integrated feminine and masculine power.  The cougar represents courage, physical vitality, and the mothership I needed, so not to turn back to the origins of my life, but to continue to challenge the status quo.  The relentless colossal serpent, holds two-fold symbolism.

I feel immense fear around the anaconda-pressured by its influence and perceive it as a threat. I do not trust it’s masculine presence, and no matter where I go I do not feel relaxed or safe.  Terrifying as it was, the serpent provided a vehicle for facing the inevitable–empowerment of the self.  In the second anaconda dream, it was warning me about a man  just about to meet, who just so happened to have a very intimate and personal inkling with snakes.

He was not devious or harmful, though persistent, he offered a detour away from my journey of integrating and staying on course with my dreams.  On the other hand, he showed up because I was so unfamiliar with this state of being–whole and empowered….

The first dreams reflect a new stage of life for the feminine, where trust and groundedness are beginning to establish roots in the creative process.  And although it includes an extreme cutting off of one’s essential nature, the dreams as a whole reflect growth towards integrating the creative force.  In the second set of dreams, the serpent is imbued with grace, confidence and wisdom, and she is right-sized.  With her in mind, the question becomes how to hold the fragility and essence of the stream-side snake without being extinguishing or swallowed whole by the “projected masculine force,” which carries the potential for desecrating the creative process?