Shrouded Feminine

For many years I lived under the shroud of the dark feminine as she lurked in my sub-conscious, my body, and around the corners of my childhood home, where I learned shame and secrecy as a definition of womanhood. Throughout my early life, I carried a stigma that burned at my very core, eroding away at the truth of who I was (or so I thought).

My sisters and I were searching for something solid, something to hold us as we emerged into adolescence.  The mothering we received was deficient and depressive with a flair for the wild, leaving us untethered, and directed to unconsciously create…

My mother’s lack of regard for sacredness in the acts of union led to confusion and misalignment within me, as she rode the dragon of unbridled sensuality and sexuality.  She was seeking the fulfill all her unmet needs.

Regardless of the effects of my early life (a deep sense of abandonment, powerlessness, and victimization), I was destined to survive and learn how to integrate and balance the heights of spirituality with the mysteries of sexuality.  I’m sure this had to do with the strong divine feminine signatures of my soul (astrological chart), and the love I received from extended family members, and my parents when they were available.

Individually the themes of spirituality and sexuality are vast in and of themselves. Combined, they are powerful beyond measure, leading to embodied and empowered living.  When unexplored and deemed sacrilegious by culture, and most of the world, a woman (or man) can be projected upon as temptress…….

To consciously describe my mother’s energy, would be to say she had a great deal of  Shakti with no idea how to harness it.

Shakti is the feminine principle in Hinduism that represents the coiled Kundalini serpent energy that resides at the base of the spine. Eastern Indian Hindus and middle-eastern cultures understand the feminine principle, although the women in those cultures are not valued (as of yet), the Goddess teachings are alive there.

Here in the West, Christianity venerates  the Virgin Mary and downcasts the possibility that Mary Magdalene may have been the wife of Jesus Christ. VM represents an intangible chaste/silent woman, un-embodied and un-bloody (menses), separated from the terrestrial. As a child, I was confused by the two faces of Mary. For many reasons unknown to me at the time, I was drawn to Mary the prostitute. I shuddered at the story of her stoning.

Western culture offers no role models for women/girls. When a girl reaches puberty who is she to model after, especially if

What does a girl do with her developing body, her natural wildness in a world without role models? She hides and represses her sacred power, her aliveness.

In college American History class we were required to individually study and write an essay about an American historical event. I choose to study the Salem Witch trials. During my study I was drawn to visit the town of Ellicott City in Maryland. I discovered my cousin owned a jewelry shop there, and that my family had roots there as well. One day while visiting, I experienced a deep kinship with the town. The town is very old with a mysterious and eerie feel to it. Something primeval stirred within me as I walked the narrow streets…. My soul was connecting with something. For a moment I saw myself in another life. I was a healer, an herbalist, a medicine woman. While browsing in my cousins shop, I saw the five-pointed star, the pentagram, and it deeply resonated with me. I did not know why, except that my soul knew its language.

Years before I had seen the movie Rosemary’s Baby. A disturbing movie about a young woman, Rosemary, who supposedly was destined to give birth to the devil’s child. The pentagram was shown throughout the movie.

I bought a Pentagram that day. It was the mid-1980’s. I was nineteen at the time (nodal return). Covered, hidden, and underground, I was submerged in an abyss, a deep suicidal abyss. Little did I know then that my inner self was awake and sending me on trail to connect with my ancient lineage (which I would not truly discover for many years to come). All these years later, unraveling the cloak of confusion, of, what I witnessed in movies, experienced or didn’t experience in religion, early sexual abuse, and absent and aberrant parenting, to discover Mary, the woman, and Mary the Mother, has led me to understand the stigma I had carried throughout my life.

The ancient emblem I wore then is not only associated with my soul’s ancestry, it is directly related to the planet Venus, to the astrological sign of Virgo, to the Virgin Mary and to Mary Magdalene, our guiding light now at the turning of the ages. The pentagram, misconstrued and contrived for hundreds of years was unveiled on Hollywood’s big screen in the movie The Da Vinci Code in 2007, revealing the ancient symbol as a talisman for the ancient feminine.

The ancient symbol of the five-pointed star is so old it is impossible to know just how far back in time it actually extends…5,000 years…with modern associations to witchcraft…it should be understood however, that this is a very modern connection and owes nothing at all to the pentacle as it has appeared throughout history

The first written evidence for the pentacle dates back to the time of Sumerians, around 3000 BC. To the Sumerians the pentacle was associated with astronomy and with the Goddess Innana. Each of its points [of the pentacle] were delegated to a particular planet. Mercury, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn, with the top most point relating reserved for Venus. Referred to by the Sumerians, as the “Queen of Heaven.” To the Egyptians the pentalce had a specific meaning, when placed within a circle it represented a “duat” or afterlife. It was also representative of the “womb” of the earth, from which everyday life and the afterlife orignated.

The ancient Greeks, who made little distinction between the world of the practical and that of the supernatural related the pentagram with the mathematical equation of Phi, completeness and perfection, “Hugieia” or health.

The Golden Ratio, 1.618034, or Phi is a mathematical proportion that appears throughout the natural world. In humans bodies, plants, nautilus shells, and spiraling galaxies far from earth.

Until the last century or so was definitely not a symbol of evil. The the witch trials of the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries in both England and America the pentacle is never mentioned once and indeed is has, in its time, been as important to Christianity as it has to many of the world’s religions.